I used to be really loud as a child because I never felt anyone heard me – ever- and the less heard I felt, the louder I became. It never changed anything, I was still not listened to, in fact with hindsight it almost guaranteed I would not be listened to as my noise was so big! Even as an adult my loudness was with me everywhere, in work and at home. It became my signature, my defense and what I was known for. I worked to be perfect all the time, but my perfection was unattainable because of my loudness. It made my friends comfortable being around all that noise, I was popular because I was someone they could rely on at parties and weekends, I entertained them well. That sounds a bit harsh but deep down I knew this was true, I accepted it as a way to be popular and to be accepted.
When I came into contact with Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, I started to connect with myself through the gentle breath meditation (you can get this in a free down load from www.universalmedicine.com.au). As I engaged with this meditation, I slowly began to realise that even I didn’t listen to me.
Here was my body trying to tell me what was going on and I ignored it at all costs by eating food that made me feel heavy and numb, with alcohol that made me feel nothing, with emotions that caused me pain and made me numb out and with a mind that thought it was completely ‘in control’ of it all. (Hah!)
I used to want ‘bliss’ and ‘happy’ and used these to keep me deaf to myself too. Somewhere deep inside me I knew I had a soul and I wanted to be able to feel my soul with me, not push it away. Yet there was my soul trying to get through to me how beauty-full, how tender and gorgeous I am and again and again I dived in and wallowed deep in self loathing, ignoring it all.
It’s been a process of healing old wounds and taking responsibility for my choices that I have made and can make. I’ve worked with this with the help of Universal Medicine courses, workshops, and sessions with Universal Medicine Practitioners.
Here I stand now feeling my body, listening to what it tells me, it’s not about bliss but it is most certainly true. I am feeling my tender gorgeousness and listening to my innermost me, and yes it feels different to the way I used to live. I am able to stand here today because of the constant reflection that Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon gave me. I am playful and awesome and funny because I connect to who I am, not to be heard or to impress any friends or to be accepted. Although replacing self-acceptance for acceptance from others is still work in progress.
Today I recognise that without my soul I am not me, it’s as simple as that.
My commitment to me is to hear me, my soul, and to live in such a way that I can listen all the time. That means eating in a way that doesn’t make me feel heavy and numb, it means making choices about how I live my day, not to get lost in being something for the world, not being something for others. It means not loosing me in my work or play but staying with me.
It’s never perfect, it doesn’t need to be, it’s just me learning to be me.